The first item on the agenda to note is … this place has a lot of cats.
In fact, there are 16 featured on the website, not all of which are visible to the naked eye inside the café.
I forgot to count how many were draped across hammocks, tucked inside cat igloos and festooned across sofas but there are enough to satisfy the neediest cat lover.
Or felinophile if you are speaking Late Latin, or even ailurophile if you are going Greek.
Anyway, if you like cats, come here. If you don’t, don’t.
The group of eight-year-olds celebrating a birthday next to us liked them very, very much. Hot chocolates and slabs of cake were almost forgotten in the quest to lay their hands on as many furry critters as possible.
Two young women are in charge, cheerfully pointing out that the cats must not be offered milk (whatever popular myth says), food or be picked up.
A couple of the cats strolled nonchalantly across the tables but most, possibly sensibly, were dozing as high up as they could get.
We had the pleasure of Tonic (or was it her brother Gin?) at our table, slinking between us to gain maximum attention. The cat lover who was with me loved it and the non-cat lover nervously drank his coffee (I’m not sure what he expected, frankly).
My ‘flat white’ coffee was mostly white, very milky with a faint hint of coffee. It was also quite warm rather than hot – but it did have cat-shaped latte art on top.
The menu is limited to cakes and a few basic savoury items. It’s also a sideshow to the illustrated folder of cats and their names on each table.
But let’s face it, nobody comes here for the coffee and food: there are about 536 other cafes within about ten minutes’ walk (not officially verified … but it seems like it) if that’s your quest.
Nowhere else offers that distinctively kitty-based vibe where nobody needs to have a conversation with another human because everyone is saying ‘Naaaaaaawwww!’ to a cat as they fondle it.
A session at the café lasts one hour and 15 minutes and costs £3, to cover “our cats’ care and wellbeing”, according to the website FAQs.
There is also a minimum age requirement of six years old to “keep both the cats and young children safe”. Which is a very diplomatic way of saying “so cats don’t swipe their needle-sharp claws at irritating small kids who annoy them”. Top marks for use of language.
You can, inevitably, buy cat-themed socks, jewellery and gifts out of small display cases. And the toilet, you will be unsurprised to hear, has a distinctively feline wallpaper theme.
So if you crave cat contact and aren’t a coffee snob, pad down to the Mad Catters. It’s the purr-fect location where you can pawse until you’re ‘feline’ relaxed. (I’ll get my coat…)
The Mad Catters Cat Cafe, 7 Station Parade, Eastbourne BN21 1BE. Booking advised on 07904 973166. Open Thursday to Sunday (Tuesday to Sunday in school holidays).
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